ENM: From Me to We
Foundations: Building Agreements between autonomous people
Mount Eden, Auckland, New Zealand
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Description
You’ve agreed to open your relationship. A few weeks later, one of you stays overnight with someone else. One person thought that was fine; the other thought it was obviously off the table.
It’s easy to agree on a label and still have very different ideas about what it means.
ENM: From Me to We is a class about those conversations. We’ll draw on relationship research and work through examples from open relationships, swinging, and polyamory: what people want, what they can offer, and what happens when their answers differ.
That includes the people who join an existing relationship arrangement. They have their own limits and expectations, and deserve a say in decisions that affect them.
We’ll cover:
- Compare without convincing: Can you explain what someone wants without trying to talk them out of it? We’ll look at differences that can coexist and those that may mean a relationship won’t work.
- From assumption to proposal: “Use protection” or “tell me before anything happens” can mean different things to different people. We’ll ask what needs spelling out, including condom use, dates, and what gets shared.
- Who gets a choice? We’ll look at the differences between a preference, a request, a boundary, a rule, and an agreement, including whose choices each one affects.
- Feelings and changing circumstances: Jealousy can have several things underneath it. We’ll discuss how to find out what needs attention, alongside compersion: feeling happy about a partner’s positive experiences with someone else.
- Renegotiation, breach, and repair: Asking to change an agreement is different from breaking it or pressuring someone to accept a change. We’ll discuss how to recognise each situation and what repair might involve after harm.
There won’t always be an agreement that works for everyone. Recognising that is a useful outcome too.
You’ll have time to practise these conversations using fictional examples, then make a private note of something you’d like to clarify or revisit in your own life.
Interactive Practice
The three activities use fictional people, so you can try out the ideas without discussing your own relationships:
- Activity 1: Compare Without Convincing: Meet three fictional pairs with different needs around time, emotional connection, or privacy. Choose a pair and describe each person’s position before discussing what might work for them.
- Activity 2: From Assumption to Proposal: Choose a vague expectation and work out what you’d need to ask. Try writing a request that someone could understand and freely accept, decline, or discuss.
- Activity 3: Stress-Test the Agreement: Return to the fictional pairs after they’ve made an agreement. Something has changed, or gone wrong. Work out what happened and what needs attention next.
Who this is for: Anyone curious about or practising ENM, including open relationships, swinging, and polyamory. It may be useful if you’re:
- Considering opening a relationship and wondering which conversations to have first.
- Already practising ENM and finding that an agreement is unclear or no longer works.
- Trying to understand whether what you want fits with what someone else can offer.
Come solo or with a partner. No previous ENM experience is needed. “ENM: It Starts With You” is recommended preparation, but you’re welcome to attend this class without it.
What to bring: A notebook or device.
The Container: Facilitated by Dr_F8. We discuss scenarios in the third person, and you won’t be asked to share personal experiences. You can pass, observe, or write privately. Curiosity is welcome; entitlement is not. There’s a 15-minute break with complimentary coffee, tea, and snacks.
Doors open at 6:00 PM. Class starts at 6:30 PM.
Container Rating: 🌶️ 1 Chili Pepper
What it means: Expect discussion, fictional scenarios, and time to write. There is no nudity or physical/sexual student play. On our 1–4 scale, 1 means observation and interactive discussion; 4 means active student play.
Nudity: None.