Mistress
A Mistress is usually a person, generally female identified, who consensually takes ownership over someone.
Sometimes people choose to use the word for Mistress in other languages as a title, even if that language isn't one they speak, such as using Maîtresse (French).
Mistress is sometimes used interchangeably with Madame, although Madame is considered more formal.
About 0.6% of FetLife members identify as a Mistress.
Mistress vs. Domme
Mistress and Domme overlap, and which title someone uses is largely a matter of personal preference. Some people use Domme as their general BDSM role but Mistress as a title used by their submissive within a particular relationship. Others simply prefer the tone or traditions associated with one term.
Origins of the Term Mistress
The BDSM use of "Mistress" appears to come from its older meaning as the female counterpart to Master.
One early example appears in Leopold von Sacher-Masoch's 1870 novella "Venus in Furs." The dominant Wanda is referred to in German as "Herrin," meaning a female master or mistress, while Severin is her slave. In the 1921 English translation, this relationship was rendered explicitly as Mistress and Slave.
This makes Mistress much older as a BDSM title than newer terms such as Domme. Rather than being invented for kink, it was an existing title for a woman with authority that fit naturally into BDSM power-exchange relationships.
How to Become a Mistress
There is no single way to become a Mistress, and no universal version of what a Mistress should look or act like. The key is to develop a style of dominance that reflects your own interests and works with your partner. Some steps you can take include:
Figure Out What Dominance Means to You
Think about what attracts you to the role, what kind of control you enjoy, what you want from a D/s relationship, and what you do not want. It helps to start by identifying your own needs, boundaries, interests, and expectations rather than simply trying to fulfill someone else's fantasy of a Mistress.
Learn BDSM Basics
Consent, negotiation, boundaries, risk awareness, safe words, aftercare, and scene planning all come before learning how to give commands or use specific toys. This includes studying both Top and bottom roles so that you understand what a submissive may experience.
Go Slowly
Don't try to reproduce an elaborate fantasy immediately. Start with relatively simple, clearly negotiated activities and add more control, protocol, or intensity as you gain experience and learn what works for both people.
Develop Your Own Style
A Mistress does not have to be cruel, intimidating, sexually aggressive, or dressed in a particular way. Female dominance should come from the Dominant woman's own desires rather than performing what a submissive person thinks a Mistress is supposed to be.
Communicate—A Lot
Both people should be able to discuss what they want, what they dislike, how scenes felt, and what they want to change. The dynamic is something partners build together, even though one person holds more authority within it.
Learn the Risks of Whatever You Practice
Bondage? Impact? Sensation? Pain? Specific BDSM activities require specific knowledge. Someone taking the Dominant role is responsible for understanding how an activity can cause harm and how to reduce those risks before trying it.
Find Community
Munches, workshops, classes, experienced Dominants, and other kink community spaces can provide practical knowledge that is difficult to get anywhere else.
How to Find a Mistress
Finding a Mistress can take time, especially for submissive men looking for Dominant women. That's because Dommes tend to receive a large numbers of generic or sexual messages, which makes cold messaging a difficult way to stand out. A better approach is to:
Get Involved in the Local Kink Community
Attend munches, workshops, classes, social events, and play events. The goal at first should be meeting people and making friends rather than immediately finding a Mistress. Showing up consistently also allows people to get to know and vet you.
Treat Dominants as People
Mistresses are people too! Look for someone you genuinely connect with, rather than just someone who fills a need. A D/s relationship still needs ordinary compatibility, attraction, trust, and mutual interest.
Know What You're Looking For
Be able to explain your interests, boundaries, experience, and what kind of dynamic you want. There is a big difference between wanting a romantic partner who is dominant, an occasional play partner, a 24/7 D/s relationship, or someone who provides sexual domination on demand.
Bring Something to the Relationship
Submission isn't automatically a benefit to a Dominant. Being communicative, reliable, interesting, skilled, supportive, or willing to contribute to the relationship makes someone a more appealing potential partner.
Learn Before You Look
Understanding consent, negotiation, limits, safety, and the BDSM activities you are interested in makes it easier to communicate what you want and demonstrates that you have taken responsibility for becoming a safer partner.
Build a Reputation
Attending events, volunteering, learning skills, making friends, and behaving respectfully can provide both community connections and references when people begin vetting you. Finding a kink partner is often a long process rather than something that happens after posting a personal ad.
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