Top
A Top is usually the person who takes on an "active" role in providing stimulation or facilitating play for the bottom, who takes the receiving role. Top is considered one of the core BDSM roles, along with bottom and switch.
Unlike a Dominant, a Top does not necessarily have to assume control or engage in power exchange. They may lead the scene through what they do, how they respond, and how they stay connected to their partner, without taking psychological control or receiving authority over them. Topping and bottoming alone do not create a hierarchy, although a Top and bottom may also have a Dominant/submissive or other power-exchange relationship. This distinction can be confusing because many, but not all, Tops are also Dominants.
Top as an Umbrella Role in BDSM
Top is also used as an umbrella term for the person giving, performing, or directing a particular type of play. This is reflected in other roles like Leather Top, Needle Top, Rope Top and Service Top who use the "Top" to indicate that they are the person giving a specific type of play to another person.
Top as an LGBTQ+ Community Role
In the LGBTQ+ community, Top is also used for the partner who performs penetration in sex, or a person who generally prefers to perform it rather than receive it. See Top (gay culture).
Origins of the Term
Top has been around in gay and leather culture for decades. One slang dictionary dates "top man," meaning the active partner in sex between men, to as early as 1941. The term became more of an established role in gay leather culture around the 1950s, and was likely taken up by BDSM communities in the 1960s.
By the 1970s, "Top" was a common term in bondage and leather communities. We know this because it was part of the "hanky code," where wearing a hanky in a certain way signaled whether a person was a Top or bottom.
By the 1980s, the term "Top" was already well-established in lesbian BDSM communities too.
Earlier uses of the term tended to blend together ideas about being active, penetrating, or being in control. In modern BDSM, Top is often more narrowly used for the person performing or giving an activity, while Dominant refers to a power-exchange role.
A Top's Responsibilities in a Scene
Topping comes with significant mental load. In many scenes, it's the Top who:
- Chooses implements
- Plans the scene
- Checks equipment
- Monitors physical responses
- Manages pacing and intensity
- Decides when to change course
But leading a scene doesn't mean bearing all responsibility for it. Tops have a duty to be competent, respectful, and to negotiate limits. They also have to look out for the bottom's well-being and monitor for signs of distress.
But the bottom has responsibilities too. They should communicate known limits and needs and use agreed safe words or signals when they need the activity to change or stop. A bottom can also help design the scene, request activities, discuss risks, prepare supplies, offer feedback, or initiate aftercare. A Top should pay attention to verbal and nonverbal signs of distress, but they aren't expected to read their partner's mind.
Do you need experience to be a Top?
You don't need years of BDSM experience to call yourself a Top. In fact, it has more to do with how you prefer to play. But experience does matter when it comes to skill-based play like rope bondage, impact play, sharps, and other higher-risk activities. These require knowledge and practice. Because a Top is responsible for performing their part of the activity safely, this also means being honest about what you do and don't know.
Good Tops tend to continue to learn, to reflect on what worked or didn't, and to seek out training where it's appropriate. As they gain experience, they are likely to become better Tops.
Ways to Play: Tips for Becoming a Top
Want to play as a Top? Here are some tips on how to do it:
Talk First
Discuss what you both want, as well as limits, safe words, health concerns, and aftercare needs before you play.
Be Honest
If you're new to an experience, say so. You don't have to be an expert to be a Top, but you should play within your abilities and be honest with your bottom.
Build Your Skills
Build skills in the areas you want to play in (bondage, impact, etc.) and practice them before using them on another person. This is especially important for higher-risk activities.
Start Slow
When you start playing as a Top, start new activities lighter or slower than you think you need to. You can always dial things up if the bottom is into it. It's harder to back down if you've scared, injured, or crossed their limits.
Pay Attention and Check In
Watch your bottom's breathing, movement, speech, and other cues to assess how they're doing. Verbal check-ins along the way also help ensure you're both on the same page.
Learn From Mistakes
Even careful Tops can get things wrong. If something doesn't go as planned, it's best to acknowledge it, own it, and learn from it.
Think About Your Own Aftercare
Topping can be intense too, so be sure to take your own needs into account after a scene. After-scene drop (or Top drop) is a real thing, and can show up as exhaustion, guilt, vulnerability, low energy, and feeling low. Aftercare can be important for Tops too!
Stay Curious
Be willing to learn as you go. There isn't one right way to Top. Different partners, bodies, activities, and dynamics will require different approaches.
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