Fantasy Pushing
Fantasy pushing is the act of involving another person in your sexual fantasies without their consent. It can feel invasive, objectifying, or uncomfortable, especially when it happens without warning or outside an established dynamic.
Fantasy pushing can include:
- Developing and sharing a kink fantasy that involves another person without checking whether they want to hear it.
- Making unwelcome or explicit comments about someone. (e.g. “I want to do XYZ to you when you look like that.”)
- Using honorifics, such as “baby girl” or “Daddy,” without the other person's agreement.
- Giving someone an unwanted sexual label or role.
- Telling someone you thought about them or used their image while masturbating.
None of these things is automatically wrong. Some people enjoy being part of another person's fantasy or receiving explicit comments. Others don't. The difference is consent. Make sure the other person wants that kind of interaction before sharing something sexual or intimate.
What Fantasy Pushing Isn't
Fantasy pushing is not the same as having fantasies, sharing fantasies, flirting, or roleplaying. The issue is not the fantasy itself. The issue is involving another person in it without their consent.
It is generally not fantasy pushing to:
- Have a private fantasy that you keep to yourself.
- Post about your own fantasies without targeting a specific person.
- Share sexual or kinky thoughts with someone who has clearly opted in.
- Use honorifics, labels, or roleplay language inside an agreed dynamic.
- Respond to someone’s explicit invitation for flirting, dirty talk, or fantasy.
- Ask whether someone is open to a sexual or kinky comment before making one.
How to Avoid Fantasy Pushing
Fantasy pushing is common online (and not just in kink spaces!), but that doesn't make it acceptable. Public posts, photos, and profiles are not invitations for sexual comments. Here are some tips on how to avoid fantasy pushing:
- Ask before escalating. A simple “Are you open to a flirty/kinky comment?” can prevent an interaction from becoming uncomfortable.
- Keep compliments non-sexual unless invited to do otherwise. “You look great” is different from describing what you want to do to someone.
- Do not assign roles without consent. Calling someone your “good girl,” “brat,” “toy,” “sub,” or “Daddy” can feel intimate or invasive to someone who has not agreed to that dynamic.
- Match the context. A public discussion, photo comment, or profile post is not the same as an established flirtatious or sexual conversation.
- Accept silence or hesitation as a no. If someone does not respond, changes the subject, or seems uncomfortable, do not keep pushing.
- Don’t follow someone else’s lead. If other people are making sexual comments in a thread, don’t assume you can too. Consent is individual, and someone else’s participation does not mean everyone has agreed to that kind of interaction.
- Remember that consent is specific. Someone enjoying one fantasy, comment, or roleplay does not mean they consent to all future sexual attention.
Origins of the Term
The term fantasy pushing was coined internally by FetLife in 2022 and was shaped into a public FetLife policy in 2024.
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